Structure

This weather has been horrible motivation.
Allow me to clarify: this weather has been horrible motivation to (finally) complete my thesis, but excellent motivation to get outside and get moving.
I'm sure if you search the archives (haha), you'll find a post about why I have to be busy.
It's simple, really: structure.
If I lack a certain structure (see also: busy-ness) to my life, then I do as I please...which today included cleaning my apartment and taking a 15-mile bike ride around the city. Not bad, unless of course your entire collegiate career is riding on you staying inside for hours on end staring at a computer screen.
Not my cup of tea coffee when the forecast shows 80 degrees and sunny.
Throughout the year, I slacked off in school a little bit (ok, a lot). But I always managed to get things done. Because I was so busy, I literally had to schedule out my entire day - from work to softball to classes, meetings, homework and even when I had time to eat/shower/sleep. It kept me focused.
Now that I'm technically "out of school" and finished with softball, it's difficult to focus.
Once again, I'm blaming work.
I come home after an eight (sometimes nine) hour day, and I'd really rather go for a run or be outside that come home to do research.
I shouldn't complain; it's my own fault for offering to go back full-time once school was "over." But for me, it's not over.
I've been applying to jobs, but everything is useless unless I finish this thesis (please don't get all high and mighty on me and say, 'Well, instead of writing a blog post, you should be doing research!' If you thought this, screw you. Go away).

I need structure, plain and simple. I need to be held accountable. I need deadlines. Right now all I have is sunshine and fresh air, and a weekend without work. Can you really blame me for wanting to spend it outside?

Thanks for reading <3

Another Graziani Soliloquy on Love

If you find that your time with someone will be limited, you should make the most of that time and love that person to the best of your abilities. Even if that person is only meant to be in your life for a short period of time, it's for a reason...and as long as both people agree to the arrangement, then parting words should be sweet, and there should only be tears of happiness. Because in the end, you can never make someone stay. Indeed, if that person is pursuing their passions or following their dreams, you don't want them to stay - you want them to go and be happy. So as long as you love that person and give them your all while you're together, there will be no sadness when they leave...only happy memories of the times you've shared and the love you gave to one another.
If you never meet again, it will be okay. When you think of that person it will only be fondly, and you'll send happy energy out into the world to find them and wish them well. When you think of them, you'll text them and say, "I was just thinking of you! Hope all is well!" with no intention of rekindling any flame or attempting to reestablish a connection. No, you'll simply text them to remind them that no matter what kind of day they had, someone just thought about them...and sent happy thoughts their way.
Love is never bad.
It's only bad when we try to tame it. When we try to package it into a neat little box and tie it with a bow. When we make it something the other person doesn't agree on, or vice-versa. When we try to hold on to it at the expense of the other person's happiness or well-being. When it's not freely given, and we try to take it and make it ours.
Love is never bad...as long as there's communication involved. Understanding. Clarity.
So when that person walks out your door for the last time, you don't shed a tear. You hug them, you kiss them, you wish them well. You cherish every moment spent with them and consider yourself lucky to have known such an amazing human being so intimately. If by some chance you meet again in the future, who knows what will happen. What I do know is that there will be no awkwardness, no animosity, no questions - just two old friends meeting once again.
Some people never allow themselves to get that close to someone. That is the real tragedy in the world - people so afraid of being hurt that they cannot let go and just love.
It's taken me twenty-five years to figure this out...and I'm pretty sure I'm still clueless.
The most important thing is to be happy, and not hurt anyone along the way.
You're going to encounter assholes. Once you know they're an asshole, be done with them and move on. Don't get upset with people who only want one thing - if you agree to those terms, it can be a fabulous time! Sometimes the people we sleep with can teach us as much as the person who holds us when we cry. Some people aren't ready to settle down, others never will. As I said before, as long as there's communication involved, everyone should be on the same page and no one will get hurt.
One day at a time...
...and as always, lots of love.

Thanks for reading <3

I don't know where my life is headed...

...or what I'm going to do in the near future.

But I want to fall in love again.

I want the feeling of falling asleep at night knowing someone is thinking of me. I want a kiss to be meaningful again, not just a precursor to sex. I want the simple act of holding hands to give me butterflies, and mid-day texts to make me smile.
I want to be wanted. I want someone to look at me and think I'm beautiful, and not just say it because they think it will get them into my bed faster.
I want passion; a fire. Someone who will compliment me - match my strengths and support my weaknesses. I want someone strong enough to challenge me and force me to grow and change, but kind enough to take my side and know when to let me cry and vent.

This is just the Corona Light and Nicholas Sparks movies-based-on-his-novels talking.

Those are all things I want...but right now I need to be free to do me. Who knows where life will take me? It's fun to dream of a man who can do and be all of these things...but I've got to spend all of my time and energy on finding a job, not finding a man.

Life would be easier if my feelings were more consistent.
Thanks for reading <3

I graduate. With my master's degree (they won't send it until June). On Sunday.
I bought a new blazer and red lipstick.

I'm ready to take on the world.

Maturity? Maybe.

I have a bad habit - I tend to run away from my problems. And not just in the metaphorical sense of the word; no, I physically run away. It could be somewhere as close as a local park or as far as Missoula, MT...either way, I have a tendency to run from whatever is bothering me.
I had the urge driving down 65 tonight. I wanted to point my car any direction and just drive. When I get urges like this I often end up at a friend's house, crying about nothing and everything at the same time, with complete disregard for that person's schedule - if they're tired, had a bad day, are busy, actually have a life, etc.
Tonight was different though. I didn't run away.
As much as I wanted to head somewhere - anywhere - away from my life, I didn't.
For once, my rational mind stopped me.
It went something like this (EM = emotional mind, RM = rational mind):
EM: Let's go. I've had enough. I hurt.
RM: Ok, well remember you have to work out in the morning.
EM: I don't care. Not important. Head west.
RM: Our gas tank is almost empty. You do realize gas is almost $4 a gallon.
EM: So what? Money doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Keep going.
RM: Where are we going?
EM: We can visit *insert friend's name here*!
RM: Really? I mean, yeah, they're your friend...but at this hour? Even crazy people are thinking about bed.
EM: So? I'm having a crisis here.
RM: Really? Seriously? No you're not. You think you are, but you've been through worse.
EM: ...true. I still think tonight is a good night to drive. Why don't we turn off this exit?
RM: Because it's late, and you've handled worse, and you really don't have the money to spend on gas...and do you really want to burden a good friend with your 'white girl problems?'
EM: Actually...you're right. Let's go home.

And that's how my rational mind won the battle. Is this growing up? Probably not. Is it a step in the right direction? I think so. Four years ago I would have turned onto the highway without a single hesitation. Tonight, I actually thought it through.
Small victories.
Thanks for reading <3

I heard you were a wild one...

If I took ya home, it'd be a home run.
Currently obsessed with this song. Listen:




This blog post has no rhyme or reason. We won 9-0, both games in five innings. Same score. We dropped bombs, and my pitchers were lights-out. Seriously. Read it here. Well, K. Tay will have it up eventually...he had a busy day today.
Anyway, have a nice long look at this, and enjoy your evening!
[yes, I know he pitches for the Angels now, but this pic was too pretty to pass up]

Thanks for reading <3

Peace and Solitude

I have found my peace:
It is running the Pittsburgh city streets in the morning just as dawn breaks over the skyline, following scent trails of aftershave and shampoo as early-morning commuters make their way across bridges and into town, feet pounding the pavement rhythmically - echoing and overtaking the heeled footsteps of a well-groomed business woman; it is cycling late at night, after all of the commuters are gone - the smell of grit, pavement...still, stifling air, the city skyline lit up, bidding me farewell (if only for a few hours), the final stragglers of the day boarding the midnight bus, talking animatedly.